Does an alpha woman need the love of a beta husband?

The old adage was that behind every successful man stood a supportive wife. But with more women taking on increased responsibility in business, does the saying hold true in reverse?
Here, DIANA APPLEYARD speaks to three high-achieving alpha women who say they could never have achieved their success without the support of their beta men.

HE’S MORE DOMESTICATED THAN I AM


The entrepreneur and the admin assistant: Jenny and Stuart

Jenny McLaughlan, 35, is a senior sales manager who has set up her own business, gumigem. She is married to Stuart, an administrative assistant. They live with their children, Maisie, three, and Miller, 15 months, in Dundee.

JENNY SAYS:

Every day I leave home by 6.30am to work on my online business selling pendant teething necklaces for babies. I get home at 6pm, then work late, answering emails.
I need to travel a lot to conferences and meetings, while Stuart works a normal nine-to five-day. There are times when I am on my knees with exhaustion. I could not cope without him.
He takes the children to nursery and picks them up, as well as doing most of the cooking, washing and cleaning, which means that I’m free to pursue a demanding, high-powered career.
Stuart has no desire to advance at work or do more than he is already doing. He loves being at home with the children, and he’s far more domesticated than me.
It doesn’t annoy me that he’s unambitious. We couldn’t both be like me; it would split us up, especially when I struggle with the stress and emotion of being the breadwinner.
In our case, opposites attract. Diligent, methodical and organised, Stuart counteracts the buzz of my pressurised working life. Our relationship has lasted because he balances my alpha tendencies.
The only tension between us is caused by me worrying about being a good enough mum while achieving as much as I can in my career.
But we cope by sitting down and talking everything through every evening. If we couldn’t talk openly, there’s no question we’d argue.
There are increasing numbers of alpha women and they certainly need beta men to support them.

STUART SAYS:

I grew up in a traditional Scottish family in which my dad was the breadwinner and my mum brought up the three of us single-handedly.
Now, in the evenings and at weekends, I am the prime carer and it’s a very different way of life.
You would think my mates would tease me, but lots of men I know have wives who earn more than they do — it’s becoming common.
I don’t mind earning less. My biggest concern is that I know Jenny would love to spend more time with the children and it breaks her heart when she has to go away at weekends. But she’s so driven and ambitious, and is determined to make her business a success.
We have a joint account, so there are no rows about our finances, but there might be if we had his and hers accounts because I would hate to have to ask her for money.


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SOMETIMES I WISH WE COULD SWAP PLACES


The CEO and the stay-at-home dad: Marion and Peter

Marion King, 45, is CEO of VocaLink, an electronic payments firm, Vocalink. She and her husband Peter, a stay-at-home father, live in Bedfordshire with their children Gregory, 18, and Nicholas, 16.

MARION SAYS:

Driven, ambitious and challenge-seeking, I am a typical alpha woman, while Peter is family-orientated, caring and happy to play the supporting role in our relationship.
He’s been a stay-at-home father since 1997, providing our sons with a wonderfully stable family life.
One of five children from a Welsh farming background, his mum brought him up to cook and help around the house, so it comes naturally to him, while one of the boys once asked me if I even knew how to scramble an egg!
It is Peter who makes it possible for me to leave home at 7am, rarely returning before 7.30pm. I often have to travel abroad on business.
Growing up in a non-academic home, I went to a comprehensive. I’m the only one of the three girls in our family who has a career.
Even as a teenager I had this sense of being driven, of wanting financial independence.
After school, I trained as an accountant. I met Peter, a publican and restaurateur, in a nightclub. Subconsciously, I was looking for a partner who would be a foil to my driven personality.
Early in our marriage, my career was going from strength to strength, so when I was offered a job with Reuters in Hong Kong, Peter gave up work and we moved there with our sons, who were three and one.
He loved looking after the boys, so when we came back to Britain, it was natural for Peter to stay at home and I continued as breadwinner.
Peter is the oil in the engine of our family. Occasionally, I think it would be lovely to swap roles because there are times when I miss the children.
And yet it’s only momentary, because I love my career, and it suits my personality. What’s more, my husband has been a terrific role model for the boys.

PETER SAYS:

My male friends think I’m lucky, but I fully appreciate that my lovely lifestyle is all thanks to Marion.
What matters most is that we are a team. Family is important to us. The boys and I give Marion the love and stability she needs to go out there and thrive in the cut-throat world of business.
When she was offered the job in Hong Kong, we jumped at the chance. I had worked 17 hard years in the licensing trade and was ready to step off the career ladder.
I remember over-hearing a former girlfriend saying: ‘Peter’s become awfully domesticated, hasn’t he?’
It was probably intended to hurt, but I just found it funny.
I don’t feel emasculated. I have an extrovert personality and love being the only man on the coffee morning circuit.
Of course, there have been flashpoints: if I’m heading off to watch a rugby match and Marion is facing a 15-hour day with flights to Brussels and Paris then, understandably, there is jealousy and she’ll say: ‘I wish I had your life!’
My friends scoff occasionally, but I know how important my role is and what a difference I have made to my sons’ lives. I tell people I’ve changed more than 2,500 nappies. Not many men can say that.

I’M THE OGRE AND HE’S A ‘LONELY WIFE’


The high-flying lawyer and the part-timer: Hannah and Andy

Hannah Sutter, 50, a former corporate lawyer, runs a food business. She and her husband, Andy, a GP, live in Edinburgh and have two children, Maria, 19, and Joel, 15.

HANNAH SAYS:

When I was working as a lawyer and commuting weekly to London from Edinburgh, Andy downsized his GP work to four mornings a week so he could become the main child carer.
I was a partner in a big City law firm, so from Monday to Thursday I lived in London while he stayed at home. It was a sacrifice on his part and one he was happy to make, but I have to admit that problems still arose.
Andy started calling me ‘the ogre’ because when I came home at the weekend, I was so full of myself and my career. He joked about it, but I knew that it made him feel uncomfortable.
He really did suffer from lonely wife syndrome: he’d spend the week running the house and looking after the children, and then I’d breeze in and try to take over.
It doesn’t matter how much you earn — and I was making a ridiculous amount — you still have to be sensitive to the other person’s needs and recognise their role.
While not belittling him, I became aware that I was not fully appreciating what he was doing at home, especially when I could not have done it without his support.
I decided to give up working in the City in 2005 because I was tired of the commute, felt ready to pour all my energies into a new venture — and I’d had a great idea.
I’d met two bankers who’d lost a huge amount of weight by eating food that suited their metabolisms and, after discussing the science of insulin with Andy, the idea of my business was born.
Called Go Lower, it designs and sells food aimed at weight loss and diabetes management.
Andy had mixed feelings about me giving up City life. He was fed up with seeing me burnt out, but anxious about the loss of income, so he upped his GP hours to compensate, though he’s still only part-time.
My career switch meant that the financial dynamic of our relationship has shifted yet again.
When we married, Andy earned a lot more than I did and he supported me.
When I was a barrister, I supported him, but when I was setting up my company I spent a lot of our joint money and he never begrudged that.
We met in London at a party in the mid-Eighties when he was a junior doctor and I was still at law school.
He’d always been attracted to strong, confident women. He is an amazing man who is happy to stand back and let me take the limelight. He loves the fact that I am successful — there is certainly no jealousy.
Intrinsically, we are different: I thrive on pressure and challenge; he loves his job, but he also enjoys being at home.
I don’t believe you can have two alpha personalities in a marriage if it is to work.
A lot of men would find what I do emasculating, but Andy is comfortable in his own skin and has no desire to impress anyone else.
I put my drive down to my father, who was a self-made accountant and the son of Polish immigrants. He impressed on me that it was very important for a woman to have a career.
I am as driven today as I ever was and I simply can’t imagine ever slowing down.

ANDY SAYS:

The family joke is that we have to remind Hannah she’s a person, not a phenomenon.
I have never quite achieved New Man status. Even when Hannah was living in London, she’d sweep in at the weekend and do the cooking and cleaning.
I regard myself as very lucky. There was a time when she was earning an awful lot of money and we developed a luxurious lifestyle to match, with private schools and a lovely home.
With the flexibility of my GP practice, it made sense for me to be more at home with the children, especially when they were younger.
I’ve never felt emasculated because I am not that sort of man. I have a relaxed, laid-back approach to life. We bring our respective strengths to the marriage.
The bonus for me is that I have been able to spend far more time with the children than most men.